Roommate and I have this thing where sometimes we watch bad movies. And by sometimes, I think what I’m really going for is “frequently.” For the next however many weeks, I am going to gift you, my
nonexistent wonderful blog readers, with summaries/reviews of some of these bastions of cinematic quality.
Our first Bad Movie Tuesday spotlights Monster Ark, a 2008 SciFi Channel Original Movie starring Tim DeKay of White Collar fame. There are SciFi Original Movies that are laughably bad and then there are SciFi Original Movies that are so bad that you have no idea what’s going on. This was the latter.
Okay, our first duty when watching this one was to find the Barrowman. Which, I suppose, needs some explanation. One of the first bad movies that Roommate and I watched together was Shark Attack 3: Megalodon, which stars Torchwood leading man and Doctor Who companion John Barrowman. John Barrowman is mine and Roommate’s arch-nemesis. Making fun of him is our main pastime. And in honor of that, we pick a Barrowman in each bad movie we watch, usually the role that Barrowman would have played if he managed to be cast int he movie.
It was harder than usual to pick a Barrowman in Monster Ark because neither of us wanted to admit that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman. First we tried to make the scantily clad girl the Barrowman (she later became GwenTosh, an amalgamation of the two female characters on Barrowman’s show Torchwood) and then Chubs (who was, sticking with the Torchwood theme, clearly the Ianto of the movie), but eventually we had to agree that Tim DeKay was probably the Barrowman.
I can’t even explain the plot of this movie. DeKay is a famous archeologist and Chubs and GwenTosh are his grad students. They’re at a dig where they find a lost Dead Sea Scroll and bring it back to Generic American University where DeKay’s ex-wife, who divorced him before she thought he was unfaithful (ahaha, see what I did there, anyone else who watched this movie?), is apparently an expert in reading cuneiform. The scroll says something about there being a second one of Noah’s arks, made for monsters, buried in Iraq, so DeKay, Frmr Mrs. DeKay, Chubs, and GwenTosh get in the minivan (?) and drive to Iraq (?).
“This totally is Torchwood. Torchwood in a minivan, going to Iraq.”
They get to Iraq and Stereotypical Black US Army General (SBUSAG for short) yells at them a lot and tells them what they can and can’t do. Can: Open up the ark, poke the creature in the face, and let a terrible evil loose in the desert. Can’t: drive to safety?
Around this point, Suit!Barrowman and Jesus get introduced. You don’t actually know who they are or what they’re doing, but suddenly they exist and have a subplot shrouded in mystery.
There are lots of scenes of the monster running through the desert and killing things, until DeKay and Frmr Mrs. DeKay realize that they need to dig up Noah’s tomb in order to stop the monster. Noah’s tomb, by the way, is just kind of chilling in the middle of the desert. Undisturbed. Unlooted. And mostly above ground. I guess the archeologists were just too busy with other things to bother excavating it.
While they’re at Noah’s tomb the following things happen:
1. Tim DeKay, who had previous not believed in God, is saved from death by God and totes believes again.
2. Jesus shows up with a bunch of black-ops type dudes.
3. Chubs refuses to desecrate Noah’s tomb (you know, after he already unleashed a demon on the world, destroyed several archeological sites, and got a bunch of people killed. But pushing over a statue in Noah’s tomb? THAT’S TAKING IT TOO FAR.) and then gets stabbed by the demon.
Jesus reveals that he’s part of a secret order that’s been created to protect the Monster Ark, an order that hasn’t been mentioned or even hinted at until this moment. Also, we find out that Frmr Mrs. DeKay is also a part of that order, only she didn’t know it because her parents died before they could tell her. However, she has a special necklace that, again, we haven’t seen or even heard of until this moment. So she’s totes legit. Or something.
Anyway, they come up with a really stupid plan to stab the demon with a giant gold q-tip that they graverob from Noah. DeKay will only go through with the plan if they air-lift Chubs to a hospital to deal with his stab wound. He sends GwenTosh with him, because she obvs has a magical healing vagina.
“I’m really concerned about Chubs.”
“Well, they can’t show him on screen with Tosh dry-humping his leg.”
They save the world through the power of the magical gold q-tip, some C4, and God, who sends lightning down from Heaven to help DeKay. Then Jesus and Suit!Barrowman officially give DeKay a Secret Order of the Monster Ark necklace and, in one of many scenes stolen frame by frame from Indiana Jones, they put the Monster Ark in a crate and stick it in a secret warehouse filled with many other mysterious crates.
Guys, there are movies that are bad, and there are movies that are Monster Ark. Friends don’t let friends see movies that are Monster Ark. Even if Tim DeKay is playing Barrowman playing Sam Neill in Jurassic Park in them.