Bad Movie Tuesday: Frozen

Okay, okay, I have been derelict in my blogging duties. However, I started temping and you know… other generic excuses. Anyway, I am BACK, and with another movie review that I’ve written so that you don’t have to. Watch it, I mean.

I have to post this one next, because in the explanation of this movie lies a million in-jokes in the next ones. Because my roommate and I think we’re hilarious.

***

This week’s selection is a bit of a story. It all started when I was reading a website in the theme of PostSecret. As I was scrolling down, in the middle of the page, I saw this image:

I was sure there must be tiny text or… something. Finally, I gave up and looked at the comments to see what the secret was in, what looked to me, like a normal movie poster. The comments seemed to indicate a glitch in the image hosting thingy. The first few comments clearly saw the secret, the people afterward saw porn and I saw this movie poster.

I was intrigued, though, because it sounded like my kind of thing, so Roommate and I simultaneously looked the movie up. Roommate read the summary out loud:

Three skiers are stranded on a chairlift and forced to make life-or-death choices that prove more perilous than staying put and freezing to death

We hypothesized what the movie could be about and realized, obviously, something more perilous than staying put or freezing to death would be having to watch fuck-or-die with Barrowman. Which led to us casting the movie with me and That Guy (an actor that we read about once and decided should be our best friend. But not best-friendly-enough to learn his name) and Barrowman, our arch-nemesis. Guys. Our pitch was brilliant.

In our version of the movie, I win all an expenses paid trip to a ski resort. Roommate can’t come and neither can anyone else we know, so I go and invite That Guy. That Guy is all pissy because he was my last choice but I’m mostly like, “Shut the fuck up, That Guy, we’re going skiing.” However, when we get there, the place is deserted except for–wait for it–BARROWMAN. So clearly I KNOW that something is up. And, well, the middle parts are hazy, but somehow the three of us get trapped on the ski lift and then That Guy and Barrowman are stuck in a Fuck-or-Die.

(Fuck-or-die, for those of you unfamiliar with both scifi and Harlequin romance novels, is a trope wherein two people, frequently two people who are fighting secret affection for each other, are forced to copulate. If they do not, they’ll be murdered for some convenient, vaguely plot-related reasons. Pretty self-explanatory.)

That Guy is like, “WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS?” But his pain is nothing on mine, what with being stuck on a chairlift with That Guy and Barrowman fucking. Also, the snow under the chair lift is now fire. Or something.

Then, I don’t know, just when we think we’re going to die at Barrowman’s hand, a dinosaur runs to the chair lift and saves me and That Guy, as Barrowman falls into the fire.

I mean, seriously, guys. A few edits and this could have been blockbuster material. We would have been ROLLING in it. We were sure that if we could come up with such a great movie in about three minutes, the actual film had to be decent.

This being Bad Movie Tuesday, we were, of course, wrong.

To start with, we went in thinking this was going to be a completely different movie and THE MOVIE TRICKED US INTO BELIEVING THAT. We assumed there would be some kind of serial killer stalking them at the ski resort and the ominous close-up on a “missing” poster supported that thought. However, this is the plot of the movie:

These three douchebags (Barrowman, That Guy, and a girl who we agreed is too stupid to be me) go to a ski lodge, but instead of ponying up to buy tickets, they pay off the lift operator to let them up for free. At the end of the day, they want to go down the mountain one more time, but it’s closed, so they beg the lift operator and he lets them go up again. Then he leaves to pee or something and tells his replacement to wait until the last three people come down before closing the lift. The replacement sees three people–NOT our douchebag protagonists, who are still on the lift–come down and then closes everything down. Leaving the three of them trapped on the lift. And the ski resort won’t open again until next Friday.

Now, okay, I will buy that’s a scary premise. I don’t like heights. But… they weren’t that high up. And they were all so stupid. And these wolves came out of no where.

First the girl drops one of her mittens and spends the rest of the movie NOT putting her hand in her pocket to ward off frostbite. Then, after they realize no one is coming for them, Barrwoman decides to jump. But instead of tucking and rolling, he jumps feet first with his legs straight out and GUESS WHAT? He breaks both his legs. Then he gets eaten by convenient wolves.

That Guy finally decides to go hand-over-hand over the lift wire to climb down a pole to safety, only to immediately turn back for reasons that are never made clear. (We like to think that he saw some wolves in the lift chair behind them. You know, wearing skis and bibs and holding forks and knives and licking their chops.) The next morning he tries again and makes it down and then gets randomly eaten by wolves as well.

Eventually, for reasons that are, again, not made incredibly clear, the lift chair falls and the girl falls with it. Bleeding and frostbitten and rubbing her face off, she manages to crawl down the mountain to safety. The wolves leave her alone because they’re still feasting on That Guy’s body.

I mean, the movie was good for a laugh, but the stupidity was OVERWHELMING. That Guy was supposedly pre-med SCRATCH THAT, we made that up. But still, they never so much as sit next to each other to conserve warmth. They’re literally freezing to death and the girl is just waving her unmittened hand around. There were about six dozen methods of getting out of the chair and to safety that Roommate and I saw, yet the best they could come up with was “jump without tucking and rolling and then be eaten by wolves.”

So, fun for a laugh, if you’re Roommate and I and you’re drunk, but not generally worth your time otherwise.

The sequel where the random guy at the end is a serial killer? Now THAT is going to be our next blockbuster, mark my words.

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About Kait

Looking for a job, packing up my belongings, watching an obscene amount of television, and writing words when time allows.
This entry was posted in bad movie tuesday, my roommate is the best roommate, reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

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